The 8 Creatures of Facebook

As I explore the Facebook jungle, I find many colorful species of Facebook friends.  Some delight, some bewilder … but they all flourish. I figured it was time for a biological classification of the various genus and species:

Some of the creatures of Facebook. Give me a break, it's the best picture I could find.

• The Micro-Minutiae Man: This meticulous creature subjects you to every painfully mundane, excruciating detail o f their daily life.
  Common posts: “I’m going to eat a sandwich.” ” Stuck in traffic.” and  “I am preparing to blink.”
  Suggested comments: “Please notify us when it’s time for your next bowel movement!” or “Great blink! Way t o moisten those eyeballs!”

• The Scooping Gossip: This creature thrives on alerting you to major headlines before you see them in the oth er 57 million news sources on the Internet.
  Common posts: “R.I.P. (celebrity)” “(Sports Team) Wins the Championship!” and “(Natural Disaster) in (country)”.
  Suggested comments: “I’ll miss (celebrity).” “Congrats!” and “You are the 89th person to post this in the past 10 minutes.”

• The Sympathy Wreck: Whether emotional or physical injuries, this creature bares the soul (and more) without shame. Morbid curiosity draws you in, like a car crash on the freeway.
  Common posts: “Look where I shot my nail gun!” “Does anyone know what this rash could be?” and “My (significant other) just left me so I’m eating a tub of ice-cream.”
  Suggested comments: “Ouch!” “Hang in there!” or “Please post x-ray images.”

• The Parental Peacock: It’s better than being neglectful, but these creatures take “TMI” to a new stratosphere.
  Common posts: “My kid just got a smiley face on his arts & crafts project.” “My kid just vomited on my new shirt!” and “My kid’s soccer team just won the South East Mid-Valley Regional Section 1-A Quarterfinals!”
  Suggested comments: “Awww, adorable!” “Awww, congrats!” or “Awww, my kid threw up twice as much as that!”

• The Quoting Myna Bird: This creature proudly rides intellectual piggyback on their favorite thinkers.
  Common posts: Quotes about life and love from Martin Luther King, Jr., Thomas Jefferson, Erma Bombeck and the Dalai Lama.
  Suggested comments: “I’m sure (famous thinker) is delighted that the wisdom gleaned from his life of sacrifice has finally found a venue on your FB status update.”

• The Angry Debater: Has anyone ever convinced anyone else of anything in a Facebook debate? Answer: No. But the angry debater believes his point of view will pierce the souls of his audience like a political pied-piper. I know, this used to be me.
  Common posts: Anything to piss you off.
  Suggested comments: None. Unless you agree with him.

• The Merciless Marketer: This drone sees Facebook as a way of jamming a flyer under your proverbial windshield wiper.
  Common posts: “My band is playing on Saturday at (a bar 150 miles from your house).” “I’m doing standup comedy on Saturday at (a club 200 miles from your house).”  and “Click here to get 50% off an outlandishly overpriced spa treatment so I can accumulate membership points.”
  Suggested comment: None. Please don’t encourage them.

• The True Original: The rarest of all creatures, this king of the jungle actually generates an original thought or joke, laying it open for all to digest without regard for likes/dislikes. They exist for their own delight. Their jokes mimic nobody else.
  Common posts: See my friends JB or LT-R.
  Suggested comments: Anything. Join in. Have fun.